Building Our Own Joy: Shared Meaning Making for Authentic Queer Holidays
Shared Meaning Making fosters deeper relationship connection, reduces conflict, and builds intentional, affirming traditions.
The holiday season often arrives with a heavy suitcase of expectations, many of them inherited or dictated by societal norms. For those in the LGBTQ+ community, these expectations can feel particularly incongruent or even painful. This is especially true when navigating non-affirming family structures, or feeling a longing for traditions that truly reflect your authentic self and relationships.
This year, let’s talk about Shared Meaning Making - a powerful concept from the Gottman Method that can transform your holidays from a source of stress into a canvas for genuine connection, across all your important relationships.
What is Shared Meaning Making?
At its heart, Shared Meaning Making is about consciously creating shared values, rituals, and symbols within your relationships. It's moving beyond simply doing things together to understanding why those things matter, and how they reflect your unique bond and worldview.
For queer individuals, this concept is revolutionary. It provides a framework to:
Deconstruct Inherited Norms: Challenge the assumption that you must celebrate in a certain way.
Affirm Queer Identity: Intentionally build traditions that validate your identity, relationships, and chosen family.
Reduce Holiday Stress: Move from obligation to intention, mitigating the relationship stress that often peaks during the holidays.
Shared Meaning Making in Action: Crafting Your Holiday Narrative
Applying Shared Meaning Making isn't just for romantic partners; it's a vital tool for all your key relationships during this emotionally charged time.
1. With Your Partner(s): Designing Your Sanctuary
In romantic relationships, especially queer ones, the holidays can be a time to solidify your bond against external pressures.
Vision Talk: What does an ideal, affirming holiday look like to both of you? Discuss your childhood holiday memories—the good, the bad, and the absent. What do you want to keep, ditch, or create anew?
Rituals of Connection: It could be as simple as making a special breakfast together on Christmas morning, volunteering at an LGBTQ+ charity, or having a specific "no-screens" evening dedicated to just being present. The why is key: "We do this because it makes us feel safe, connected, and seen."
Symbolic Gestures: Find small, shared symbols that represent your union and values. Perhaps a specific ornament, a shared gift-giving philosophy (e.g., donating instead of buying), or a yearly queer film marathon.
Creating shared meaning elevates relationships by moving beyond tasks to align on purpose and authentic fulfillment.
2. With Chosen Family & Friends: Cultivating Community
For many queer individuals, chosen family is the bedrock of their support system. The holidays are a perfect time to deepen these essential bonds.
"Queermas" or "Friendmas" Intentions: Gather your chosen family. Instead of defaulting to potluck, discuss what you collectively want to feel this season. Is it joy? Rest? Solidarity?
Collaborative Traditions: Brainstorm activities that are unique to your group. A "bad art swap," a queer storytelling night, or a collective cooking day where everyone brings a dish reflecting their heritage or identity. The meaning is in the shared creation and affirmation.
Boundaries as Love: Explicitly discuss group boundaries to protect the inclusive space. "We agree that this is a politics-free zone," or "We'll check in before bringing new people to ensure everyone feels safe."
3. With Family of Origin: Navigating with Authenticity
This is often the most complex area. Shared Meaning Making here is less about creating new traditions with them, and more about finding your meaning within the existing structure, and communicating what you need to protect yourself.
Pre-emptive Meaning Making (Internal): Before arriving, clarify your personal intention for attending. Is it to see a specific person? To fulfill an obligation without compromising your well-being? This internal clarity reduces anxiety.
Small, Meaningful Connections: Focus on small moments where you can find genuine connection (e.g., sharing a specific memory with an affirming relative, helping with a task).
Communicate Needs, Not Demands: Instead of "You should do X," try "It would mean a lot to me if we could make time for [X, a meaningful activity that reflects a shared value]." This opens a door to mutual meaning, even if it's small. Remember our work on setting boundaries here.
The holidays don't have to be a performance of someone else's ideal. By engaging in Shared Meaning Making across your relationships, you gain agency, reduce relationship stress, and proactively build a season that truly reflects your authentic self and the love you cherish. This is how we build our own jolly - intentional, vibrant, and perfectly queer.
If you're struggling with relationship stress or navigating complex family dynamics during the holidays, couples counselling or individual therapy can provide the tools and support for Shared Meaning Making and authentic fulfillment.